Between the lines. Why we can't hear each other.
Sometimes you say something very simple, like, "Where have you been?"
And before you can finish the last letter, the kettle starts boiling inside your interlocutor.No, not because you are rude or ill-mannered. And not because he is nervous and suspicious. But because there is more than just air between you. There is a universe between you.
Yes, yes, I'm not exaggerating.
There are childhoods in different stairwells, different math teachers, and other people's grandmothers with different fairy tales. Plus hormones, weather, level of fatigue, and what you ate for dinner yesterday. And all of this in one second interferes with the conversation of two completely reasonable people.
The result? You said "cucumber" and he heard you as "insult". You said "I'm worried" and he understood - "you don't respect me".
The world is not a mirror, but a kaleidoscope
This is because our brain is not a surveillance camera, but rather an enthusiastic director. It does not show reality as it is, it translates it into its own language.Moreover, the translator is not the most reliable. He is sometimes lazy, likes to guess, and often confuses his text with someone else's.
The classics of psychoanalysis have long been whispering about this. Freud said: you think you are an adult, but it is your inner five-year-old boy who got scared and made a scene. Jung added: and you also have a shadow, that is, a piece of yourself that you do not recognize. And you project it onto your neighbor.
So, it is quite possible that it is not the person that makes you angry, but your reflection in him.
Life is a stage of misunderstandings
Here are a couple of miniatures from everyday life:- He says: "You bought some rubbish again." In his head: "I'm afraid I won't be able to support my family." And in her ears she hears: "You don't know how to manage money."
- She didn't answer the message. You think: offended? angry? ignoring? But in reality: the phone died. The dumplings are boiling. Behind the wheel. Just living.
Funny? A little. Sad? A lot.
So what now?
Don't panic. And don't become a hermit. Here's what:1. Slow down. Take a breath before you answer. Sometimes it saves a marriage. Or an evening.
2. Don't make it up. Ask. Instead of making up thrillers in your head, ask directly: "Are you angry or just tired?"
3. Take a closer look at yourself. If something in people particularly irritates you, it may be your own shadow waving at you.
4. Listen not to answer, but to meet. Sometimes a person does not need instructions. He needs an interlocutor who does not interrupt.
Important amendment
Understanding is not when you agree. It is when you do not understand, but are interested. When you do not share the opinion, but do not devalue it. When the other person is not a riddle for you to solve, but a miracle with whom you can sit next to.The finale. Almost without morals.
We live in different worlds. It's unpleasant, but true.But if, even for a second, we manage to connect these worlds—without shouting, without accusations, without “you always” and “you never”—that’s already a miracle. A small human bridge.
And here's what I'll tell you - sometimes one such bridge is enough to not feel lonely on this planet.
Olga Vinogorodskaya (sometimes a psychologist, sometimes just an attentive person) For the Central Planet website
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